Expecting and Expectations.

My mind feels blank half the time. Whoever says pregnancy brain isn’t a real thing, or that it’s just a passing phase…. I call bullshit. A hard bullshit flag that I can use to slap them across the face.

We found out we’re expecting a second baby. It’s really early yet, so fingers crossed everything continues to go well. Our first appointment isn’t until early May. This kid is already drastically different than our first. My focus is limited. My patience is thin. I can’t talk worth a shit. I confused brill drit with drill bit the other day. I’m stumbling on cohesive sentences trying to keep up with my train of thought. It’s feels like the first days of taking Daisy for walks, before she understood the concept of walking next to me. I’d drag her along, yank, pull, yell, tug, use treats, give praise… whatever I could throw at her to get her to walk next to me. My brain is me. My mouth is the leash and my tongue is Daisy. They just do not work together. At all.

Heartburn is constant. I can’t sleep. What’s frustrating is in my insomnia stages,  I could easily use that time and energy to make up for lost work, but I still have no focus. I feel like a comfortable empty shell. Is this what hermit crabs feel like? Is this what ghosts feel like? I am looking forward to feeling early kicks. I keep thinking I’m feeling a kick here and there, but considering I’m probably only 7 weeks along, most likely it’s just gas. Gas and more gas. I get excited thinking ‘Oh! I feel baby!’ and am disappointed only to find out it’s a fart.

Elsie just turned one last week. I just can’t believe how fast that went. I know I’ll be saying this same thing 18 years from now when she graduates high school. Then again when she starts her own family. Does time get faster as you get older, like does our perception of time change? Or is it possible that every year, as a whole, time actually does get faster and we just don’t notice it.

We’ve started taking Daisy to the park in the early evenings now. It’s lighter out longer and she’s such a high energy dog she NEEDS exercise. The last two weeks we’ve had random snow storms that have thrown a wrench in her exercise and my patience. Dear baby jebus, her whining is going to put me on a murder spree. I swear it is going to be the end of all that is good. I need to start taking her in the mornings I think, so she can get worn out earlier.

I’ve got my first art show in years next week. It’s all dedicated to my husband and my daughter. Daisy held some inspiration too, considering she was my cuddle buddy and companion during Elsie’s pregnancy. Come to think of it, I haven’t done any paintings of Daisy yet… I should probably change that. She’s like a golden, polished shit. Beautiful, a wonderful addition to our family, valuable to us, but still a shit. A golden shit. That doesn’t stink.

I’ve heard from the gallery owner that there are a couple of interested buyers for some of my pieces. Fingers crossed we sell a bunch. This is one of my best collections. It’s cohesive and each piece looks fantastic. I’m so excited to share it with everyone and even more excited to get money back to start saving for our next kid. I get nervous during this part. The first trimester. I really hope that everything continues to go well. Fingers crossed we’re able to provide a healthy sibling to little miss Elsie. And Daisy, the golden shit.

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