Finding Peace

It’s been a bit of a whirlwind lately. I’m not exactly sure on where to even start with my thoughts and ramblings. There’s been many times while sitting at home, jogging, or driving around town towards endless errands and destinations that I would just find myself lost in my mind trying to bookmark my thoughts for later writing. But alas, time has gotten the best of me. Those thoughts have passed and have found themselves consumed by the fog in my mind.

My father and grandma came to visit for a weekend. It’s always nice to see them. I’ll admit it took a bit of adjusting to figure out how to breastfeed without the impulse to just whip my boobs out. Normally, I shouldn’t say normally… pending on the usual company, there really isn’t any hesitation on just taking a boob out to feed Elsie. If it was just grandma, I most likely wouldn’t think twice about it. But with my dad, that’d be weird. It’s weird. Yes, boobs serve a function and a purpose at this point, but… no. As a woman, I don’t need to be that free with my tits.

I read an article the other day about 100 days of darkness. I’ve never heard of this before, but it definitely resignated. 100 days of darkness. 100 days of roller coaster emotions. 100 days of anxiety, happiness, loneliness, sadness, anger, frustration, exhaustion, grog, helplessness, excitement, joy and so much more. All of that usually within a day, sometimes in an hour. It’s like watching a cartoon. It can be really comical at times. Laughing so hard that it quickly turns into convulsing sobs. A stranger would be terrified watching that. Like, ‘what the fuck is wrong with that woman and should I call social services’. I’m sure it looks pretty maniacal and frightening and oddly hilarious at the same time.

Work has been a haze. I was doing so good for a while there, but it’s just lost. It’s gone. Focus is shit. I’m looking forward to these 100 days to pass. I’m sure it gets better, but I’m also sure it doesn’t leave.

Elsie and I skyped with Tom today. It was really nice to see his face. His beard is getting so long. I should make a habit to skype him more often. Sometimes I don’t because I want him to reach out more. Selfish and awful for someone to do. I don’t have any long lasting resentment, I honestly don’t know why I do that. Probably just because I’m frustrated, tired and just feel alone. I’ve gotten used to being home with just Elsie, Daisy and I that I sometimes feel like a single mom.

Interesting confession: Recently I’ve been going to church. I’ve never been anti-church, but I’ve also never been interested in it. Even growing up. I went to sunday school, got confirmed in high school, and just didn’t care for it. I’m not sure what sparked my interest this time. Well, actually, now that I think about it, I do know. Tom and I want to baptize Elsie and it wouldn’t really mean anything if either of us try to have an interest in church. Tom has always been open to it, so this journey is more for me. I’m excited for him to come home, though, so we can explore this together. It’s interesting  how each Sunday, the message always pertains to something that has been going on in my life, my mind, or in recent conversations. It’s almost eerie at how perfect these messages fit with my own personal timeline.

I also bought a bible. Like, I purposefully went out of my way to buy a bible. Fucking weird. I felt a little weird looking at the bible section at Barnes and Noble. I also read the bible tonight. Also weird. But also enlightening. I found a timeline/study guide for beginners. I had no idea that the bible shouldn’t be read chronologically. That’s really stupid. Sorry, not sorry, that’s dumb. I enjoyed what I read today, though. I’m looking forward to keeping an open mind about all of this and seeing how it impacts me. Church has been giving me a lot of peace during and after each service, so I’m hoping and looking forward to creating a space for myself to find more peace on a daily basis.

Elsie is starting to wake now. Time to whip out the boob.

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